A Year in the Life
Photo Credit - Ariel Kuhn
Hello Friends,
I am writing you, people that I love- who have trusted me (as your massage therapist) with your bodies and your hearts for many many years. If by chance this goes beyond that audience, we should preface some things. A year ago, I retired from my 23 year massage therapy career. My hands and my body and my spirit were very tired. Of touching people. Of pouring out physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And not receiving quite enough back to hold me up. I was at a deficit. Do not misunderstand. I loved it. I loved you. You did nothing wrong. I grieved it, and am still grieving today. But it was time to do something else.
And also….
If you know me, you know that I talk in circles and get sidetracked easily. Squirrel. This apparently is also my writing style.
Go slow, and try to keep up, my dear sweet friends.
I got fired. Fired from a job I didn’t want in the first place. I can remember the moment when this plan was formed. I remember where I was standing and how the light was coming in the windows. I remember weird things like that but not that I left something in the toaster oven, how to spell February, or to pay my credit card bills on time. My friend had offered me a job doing something I had no idea how to do. My stomach told me- no, no, no, that is a terrible idea- that will end in a shitstorm. I ignored that. I smiled and said YES! That sounds great. I will take that job and all will be well.
Ha.
I tried so hard to tell myself -and you- it was what I wanted, what I needed to do for my family. I pushed to continually accept and convince myself and everyone around me that this was the path I was supposed to take. In doing so, I thought it meant I needed to accept that everything I worked so hard for 23 years toward was now nothing and invalid. A thing to be abandoned. And guess what, I couldn’t accept it. I felt incredible guilt and shame for abandoning my life’s work even if it was no longer serving me. I worked real hard on forcing it. And those of you who really know me, know I will work myself to death on something that I really believe in. Just keep getting up and doing this thing every single day and be good at it. I was good at it. I am a method actor, you see. I learned so much and gained a lot of new skills. But all the new knowledge and forcing myself to love something….It didn’t work. I was miserable and couldn’t figure out whyyyyyy.
I have cried endless tears. Hours and hours of the last year have been “unexplained” tears.
Mmmhmm. Ok.
I stopped going to Well Within. If you don’t know, Well Within is my company. It is thriving and brimming with talented practitioners who are making a difference in the world and look to me for guidance and mentorship. I built it. I currently have no income from it, since I chose to retire from massage. Hence the job. More on that another time. Veering back to the topic at hand. I stopped mentoring my sweet, beautiful people. I stopped talking to my friends. I stopped confiding in my oh so patient and loving boyfriend. I stopped paying attention to my children. I stopped going to therapy. I stopped praying. I stopped taking walks. I stopped reading. I stopped cleaning my house. I stopped washing my hair. I stopped taking care of my yard. I stopped listening, seeing, caring. Just worked. Hustle. Clock in. Clock out. But it wasn’t enough. Not enough hours worked. Not enough money. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough. Work harder. More hours. Ignore everything else.
Then the panic attacks. Racing heart, short of breath. Ignore that, keep working. My whole body started aching. The hands that had to retire, didn’t stop hurting, actually got worse. The headaches I hadn’t had in 20 years came back. My. Hair. Was. Falling. Out. Yet I still kept on, because THIS is what I HAVE to do now. And I am so stubborn. Head down. Do the thing. I told everyone around me that life was great and I loved my new job. I smiled and laughed on the outside and not one of you was fooled. Just me.
Until one day in early January, it was found that I had been making a mistake in a spreadsheet formula for several months in a row. The details don’t matter in this context. I won’t try to explain it because I really didn’t even understand. But- I effed up something in a job that I wasn’t qualified to do in the first place. I did my best. I had notes to tell me exactly where to click and save and copy and paste so that it would be “right.” I worked so hard to wrap my head around concepts for which I had no training. My boss was my friend. I still effed up. I let her down. I probably cost her money. I was crushed. Devastated. I laid on the floor of my home office, bawling my eyes out for 9 working days straight, but only while the kids were at school and no one could hear me. Please, let’s reiterate, this was not a fireable offense. I was shown how to fix it and how to move forward. Except NOW I didn’t trust myself. And I just kept screwing up. I kept doing more things wrong. Even things I had done right in this job for the last year, I messed up. My notes didn’t make sense. I couldn't seem to clock enough hours to meet the expectation to which I had agreed.
Do I feel like the situation was well dealt with from her end? No. I was seemingly ostracized from the small team in a very passive aggressive way. (I could write a lot more on this, but the details, not important here. Maybe another time.) BUT- I started half ass-ing things. Melinda does not do half ass- anything. Ever. EVER.
I got fired. I lost a friend. I lost my income.
And HOLY SHIT- I feel better!
Well. Not in the sense of how I will pay my bills or feed my children. That kind of still feels shitty. But guess what? Those things don’t even feel important because I KNOW, they will be provided, somehow. Trusting.
But I FEEL BETTER. Because I no longer have to pretend to love something that I don’t love. I no longer have to lie to myself and my people. Listen. I did something I loved for 23 years and then I stopped to do something that I didn’t. And it destroyed me. For a whole year, I went underground, buried myself and my thoughts and my ambitions and every shred of creativity. I was out of alignment. I am still out of alignment, but now, I am slowly seeing little rays of sunshine. Things are falling into place. A totally new place than they’ve ever been before. I get to make a new thing! Or many new things! The ideas are flowing so fast I can barely keep up or focus on which one to implement as income. It will come together. Something new that I LOVE to do. No more forcing it. No more faking it. Because if I am doing something I love, and that thing is aligned with my true self and my core values, and trust that God will make a way, it will succeed. Somehow. I just have to let go of trying to control every single thing.
Do you want to go on this journey with me? You’re invited. I don’t know what it is or where it’s taking me. I am writing to you- the audience from my past life- because you’re my trusted people and I thought you'd want to know. Do not feel obligated to stay and find out. But if this resonates with you, hang out and see. Maybe this list will grow.
I would love to hear from you. What is it that YOU love to do? Are you doing it? Did you stop doing it? Are you walking on the path that was made for you? If not, how do we find it? I don’t have the answer, but if you stick with me and whatever it is that comes next, we’ll find out together.